The Great Pilgrimage of Life

Half a decade ago, I could have never imagined that I would be sitting in a small wooden house, an hour and a half away from the nearest city, in the blistering tropical heat of Northern Thailand. At least not voluntarily.

It is comical how life takes us to places we never thought we would (or could) go when we choose to follow the path of the pilgrim. Continually seeking that sacred space we feel exists for us somewhere in the world, or often within ourselves, guided by that inner voice that directs our path to its hallowed ground.

In my experience, it’s never the location that truly matters, or even a specific location at all.

The important thing is to follow that voice.

It could lead you to a Tibetan monastery in the Himalayas or a seaside cabin in the south of France. It could lead you to a book that has been sitting on your shelf for years or a form of dance that brings forth liberation.

It will lead each individual somewhere unique, meant for their healing, growth, and path. For my wife Laurel and me, at this time, it's Thailand.

The Pilgrim's Path is Never Straight

In 2018, Laurel and I were exploring what a life abroad could look like.

We had just spent the previous two years traveling the globe, having life-changing experiences, meeting incredible people, and witnessing the wonders of the many different cultures this planet has to offer.

It was something that seemed to make sense for our life and desires at the time.

As we couldn't continue traveling forever without income, we decided to take a TEFL course (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) in Thailand and get jobs teaching, like many foreigners do.

All was going according to plan. We finished our TEFL course and had great fun doing it.

We had to leave the country for a short time to get a new visa, and then the goal was to find jobs and start working. We decided to visit Malaysia as it was inexpensive and neither of us had been there before.

One last backpacker journey before we strapped on the work boots (or rather, $4 dress shoes) and joined the employed world once again.

One afternoon, while relaxing in a quaint fishing village on the west coast of Penang island, we received a call that would forever alter the course of our lives.

The call was from Laurel's sister.

Her younger brother David had taken his own life.

I can't clearly remember those traumatic moments, or speak about how greatly this affected my wife. All I can recall is the feeling of my heart being ripped out of my chest, the most intense feeling of sinking dread, an immediate sobering clarity about the fragility of life, and the realization that the entire paradigm of our future had changed in an instant.

Losing Our Way

Arriving home under such circumstances was incredibly difficult. Every day, I wished that it was all just a terrible dream, and that we would wake up and things would be back to normal.

I didn't want to face the reality of the situation. I knew it would be a long, painful, and unending road to recovery for Laurel, her family, and myself.

The only thing that made sense was to be home. Everyone needed to support each other in working through the gaping void that suicide of a loved one leaves you with.

In the weeks following the funeral, we realized that if we were going to stay, we couldn't live unemployed in her parents' basement for long.

I was able to take up work again with my father in underground construction, the only job I had known since the age of 16, while Laurel began searching for a job in her trained profession of nursing.

Soon, we were able to find a fully furnished suite in the center of Calgary, suitable for a young couple with nothing but a few boxes worth of belongings.

We quickly assimilated back into the "normal" way of existence: trading time for money, purchasing things that made our lives more convenient, and increasing our savings.

After about a year of that, my father and I had a falling out, I ended up without a job, and I realized that family and work don't always go well together.

The next year for me was spent unemployed, with my self-esteem at an all-time low.

I had applied for many entry-level, low-paying jobs that the mere thought of doing made me want to walk into the nearest forest and never come back.

The truth was, I was only qualified to do the job I had been doing for 8 years already, and I had zero desire to go back to it.

I spent most of that year in a deep depression, wondering how my life got so far off track when just a year ago, I believed I could do anything.

I ended up coping with these feelings through newfound passions such as scotch whisky (bougie alcoholism) and get-rich-quick ideas (which didn't work). It was a rough time.

Finding My Path Again

I was at my wit's end.

Financial insecurity, deepening addictions, and a self-worth of zero—I was primed to destroy everything good I had in my life.

I took one last shot, calling up an old friend of my father's who worked in the supply industry of the type of construction I did. It was at least something slightly different, and it felt like my last chance.

Luckily, they were in need of a seasonal driver, but it was already September, and construction season ends in December.

Thankfully, my incredible and supportive wife convinced me that it was an opportunity worth taking, as it was a job, and once people could see what I'm capable of, it would open more doors.

She still believed in me when I couldn't.

In the two and a half years I worked for that company, I went from a seasonal driver to a warehouse worker, then to a warehouse manager, and finally to a project manager.

I led the warehouse in the company's record-breaking sales year with the least amount of staff possible (due to pandemic layoffs), and achieved the fewest shipping errors and highest accuracy of inventory.

I went from sitting in a truck to sitting in my own office.

I went from earning 18 dollars an hour to a six-figure salary.

Every ounce of hard work and time I put into that job was seen and appreciated by my teammates. It was a tight group of amazing people with a really great work-hard/play-hard culture.

My boss was a fierce businessman and extremely dedicated, but open to change and supporting those with ambition.

It couldn't have been a better place for me to be. I grew from feeling innately worthless to realizing my potential as a natural leader and presenting business-shifting action plans to a multimillion-dollar company.

…Why was I still so unhappy?